she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
