Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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