I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
You smell like stripper and shame
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
