That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
