Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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