when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
