all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
My liver just had a heart attack.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
