We named our party play list daddy issues
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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