i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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