Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
It was confusing and full of hummus
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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