I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
