my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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