Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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