they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
