i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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