Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
