I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
