Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
