This house was built for laser tag.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
