I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
