i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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