tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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