I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
