well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize
