maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
