wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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