America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I have feelings that need drinking.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
