miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
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