He disabled his match.com account in front of me
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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