yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Randomize
