its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
