Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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