You smell like a Billy Joel song
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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