I didn't shave. On purpose
I could make wine with my vomit
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
