so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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