I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
