i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
