So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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