apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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