Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
