I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
