hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
