It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
