I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
