Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
