I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Randomize
