happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
