happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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