If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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