I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
