I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
and you said cock pushups were impossible
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
