There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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