I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I faked an abortion last night.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
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