I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i wish my penis had a tongue
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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