if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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