I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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