mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
