It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize
